I’m scared. I don’t have any answers — not that I ever did. I’m doubting myself a lot more lately, and I have this feeling of constant uneasiness. I feel like I don’t know where my place is. I feel drained, too. This is all very difficult to string together. Sorry. I’m not entirely sure where my mind is right now. I’m having a mental breakdown.
I feel like these days, I have less and less people to talk to. I hate that the only time I ever really come here is to vent my frustrations. What i’ve been worried about lately is this surgery coming up in roughly 48 hours. I’ve been feeling the passive aggresive guilt tripping from my parents since the moment I broke the news, and it doesn’t make it any easier that i’m going through this rollercoaster a second time. That’s another problem: rollercoasters. I love riding on them in amusement parks, but not so much the ones i’ve gone through multiple times in my life.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent. I don’t know where I am. I’m just gonna leave this right here as it is.
Before I step foot into 2019, I need to let go of the following, and in no particular order:
- the past
- things that I cannot control
- mistakes & heartache
- chasing people
Will I? I sure hope so.
I am not entirely sure what the lesson or purpose of this year was. I entered it being the happiest that I had ever been, with the person that I thought would be my person for life. Then just like that, at the turn of the summer, it became fiction. And the rest of the year just became a filler. So that’s that.
Onto the good stuff! One of my favorite highlights of the year came from PW and RW’s wedding! It was the first friend-wedding I had the pleasure of attending, and words cannot describe the atmosphere and feeling there was to be a part of it. Speaking of weddings… a bunch of friends that are near and dear to my heart got engaged!! I teared up at hearing JF’s proposal to MB… so many feeeeeels (in addition to PW bawling the entire time).
Another highlight (but not the greatest) came from traveling to Chicago by myself during Veteran’s Day Weekend. I was in need of some soul searching given the aforementioned events, and I figured that this could be one of the ways to do it. I don’t regret taking the trip, but lets just say that I won’t ever be traveling by myself again.
As much as I want to put 2018 behind me, I still somehow feel that it will shape a much better 2019. I need to believe and trust in God that what I am going through right now is only temporary. That’s all it is. Lastly, I cannot express enough how thankful I am to have the people in my life that are still in it — most especially my ates TB, PW, MB for always being there when they know I need someone to talk to.
I’m not quite ready for the new year, but bring it on!
I remember, do you? This could be anything. The first time you learned to ride a bike, went on a school field trip, flew on a plane, ate that dessert you absolutely cannot live without now, traveled. All these things and more. What is common in all of these experiences is curiosity and encouragement. When you want to try or do something for the first time, part of it is because you are curious about what the experience could be like. It also takes some encouragement within yourself or encouragement from others to get to that next step of actually doing it. Then, you either like it, love it, or you don’t.
I wish I could find the words to describe this feeling. I wish I could tell you that and more.
I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You’re scum between my toes!
If you’re not hip, that’s from The Little Rascals (1994) except with a slight twist. As Alfalfa was writing a letter to be delivered to Darla, he read those words aloud instead of what the actual letter said:
I can’t live without you… really… I’m not kidding.
The first letter reflects how I feel about 2015 on the outside. To be quite frank, it was a pretty shitty year. I made mistakes that I still haven’t learned from. I was stabbed in the back a million times and then some. Suffered from self-inflicted bodily harm, depression, and sleep deprivation for months. Nearly lost my job. The absence of a father-figure became more apparent and so did my resentment. I was also made aware at one point that I became too vocal on my more popular social media avenues about some of these things and caught myself biting my own tongue before I knew it. I’m a stupid kid, let me live a little.
The second letter reflects how I feel about 2015 on the inside. Although last year put me through some of the toughest challenges I have ever been through, without it I wouldn’t have the experience I do now. Without the hardship I endured, I wouldn’t know how to take the baby steps to becoming a better me or learn that to love another is to love yourself first. Never have I ever had something taken away from me that has made me feel nearly lifeless, without any sense of purpose. Although I still have my days where I doubt I will even wake up, I’m thankful for every morning that I do. I’m still learning to let go of things that are out of my control. I’m still learning that compromising is something I’m not good at, but it’s something I’m constantly working on right now. I’m still learning to be independent. All of these things I’m trying to learn come as a byproduct of my lack of experience. I know what piece of the puzzle I am missing, but unlucky for me [per usual] the ball is not in my court. C’est la vie.
When it all comes down to it, I’m still blessed to be where/who I am today – flaws, downfalls, achievements and all. No blame or praise is put on anyone for the things that I have gone through except on myself. I am the common factor in all things good or bad in my life, and I own up to all my actions that have led me to today. To everyone that has been there for me through a rough 2015 and helped picked me up every time I was down, no matter how annoying I was with every rant I went on… thank you so fucking much. So here’s a toast! Goodbye 2015, I never wanna see you again.
The inspiration for this post is all the love and support that I have been getting after my recent weight loss journey. From mid-July to the beginning of October I had undergone a huge lifestyle change after recent events. I figured that instead of looking at everything in a negative light and dwelling on the past, there could be some good to come out of all of this. Coincidentally, I came across this viral tumblr post that essentially outlines some of the steps that I took. For your leisure, it’s called How to Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps.
Here’s a bit of a back story if I haven’t told you this before:
Believe it or not I used to be the skinniest kid in school, nearly just skin and bones. Pictured below is me in the 9th grade weighing in at a massive 120 pounds with a 30in waist – I’m the one in the middle. Mannn I miss those days when I didn’t have a beer belly… When my family moved here the following year, one of the biggest mistakes was discovering the dollar menu, cheap fast food, and the availability of it. In Canada, a huge contributing factor to the lack of obesity is the expensive prices of fast food which deters people from frequently eating all that junk. What also didn’t help was the fact that my tita, whose house we lived in until we got our own place, catered on the weekends so there was always tons of food to eat. Soon enough I started packing on some weight and by the end of high school I weighed about 150 pounds.
Fast forward to my college days. I ballooned to the heaviest I have ever weighed in my life – a whopping 180 pounds with a 36in waist. I had an unlimited meal plan when I lived on campus and drank nearly every single weekend. Shoutout to the freshman15! … but it was more like the freshman30 for me lol
Fast forward a little more to around this time, but last year. After getting fed up with the size of the clothes I was wearing and the unhealthy lifestyle I was living, I took the initiative to join a local gym to start shredding the pounds. But here’s the crazy part: after a year of constantly going to the gym I neither gained nor lost any weight so I relinquished my membership. What I’ve been told before in the past is that diet is the biggest key that attributes to weight loss, and that is exactly what I did. So here I am today, pictured below weighing in at 150 pounds and down to wearing 32W pants! I currently have a goal to get down to 140 and then start gaining some muscle and mass.
I find it funny whenever I have seen someone for the first time since my hiatus because the most common reaction has been “whoa! you’re so skinny now!” and it always gives me a boost of confidence. My self-esteem has been the lowest of the low recently and it truly helps to have the support that I do. Without further ado, here is the running list of things that have attributed to my lifestyle change:
- No alcohol, especially beer. If I drink it is only on verrry rare ocassions now.
- Absolutely no rice. Surprisingly it wasn’t difficult for me to give up and I never crave it anymore.
- Substitute vegetables for carbs when possible.
- No juice or soda. Drink lots of water instead.
- Having a broken heart. Done multiple times by the same person if possible.
- No fast food.
- Taking the stairs as much as possible at work and cardio on the weekends.
As of late I have had tons of time to myself and I have invested most of it into self reflection – something I’ve never really taken the time to do. Not once have I really stopped to think about all of the things on my plate. Sometimes you think that you can handle this, this, and that. But the truth is you can’t, not without balance. Little did I realize that since the beginning of the year I put way too many things on my plate. In the end, things gave way and the plate shattered. I have always been one to believe that I could take on any challenge. Not out of cockiness, but out of confidence. This time was different though. The circumstances presented were completely new and my inexperience got the best of me.
I learned that balance is a very important aspect in life and it tends to get overlooked a lot. Whether it is work-life balance or relationship-life balance, it is something that constantly needs to be worked on and cannot be ignored. I learned that communication is one of the very important keys to balance and without it you could be nowhere but left in the dark. I learned the hard way that not everything can go the way you want it to be. It’s never good to assume that all things are right in your world because in reality they could be the exact opposite, which is where I ended up finding myself.
What I am ultimately trying to say is that you should try to step out of the picture every once in awhile because you never know what insight that perspective can bring you.
Last night I hopped back onto my WordPress for the first time in almost 2 years. I came across a post that MB had written about a month ago and it couldn’t be any more relative to my current dilemma. To quote her post, “here are three thoughts I’ve been willing myself to remember.
- You cannot control people’s actions, but you can control your reactions.
- Change begins with you. Love yourself.
- You are good enough.”
“You cannot control people’s actions…” At first I never understood why things happened the way that they did. However, once communication was restored on a more civil level and having time for self-reflection, I was able to keep an open-mind and better understand the circumstances that brought us to this place. “…but you can control your reactions.” For the first couple of weeks, I felt like I couldn’t get a hold of anything. I did not know how to deal with what was going on which led to a lot of mental and physical strain. Since then however, I have been doing much better. Slowly but surely.
“Change begins with you. Love yourself.” This is currently a work in progress. Ever since things went down, I have been beating myself up for making one of the biggest mistakes in my life. As much as the blame has been put elsewhere, I point fingers nowhere else but to myself. I am working on accepting my mistakes and doing my best to learn from them. Everything in life truly is a learning experience. Absolutely no regrets, just lessons learned.
“You are good enough.” This is something that AA constantly reminded me about, but I never believed her. I always had the idea that I wasn’t good enough for anyone because not once was I given a chance until she took one on me. For that I am thankful.
Changes in life just happen so fast and there are so many variables that you cannot completely account for. As much as we love to have control over everything, life needs to take its own course and it’s just a matter of us letting it happen. The reality is that you’ll never know what you’re gonna get in life. But what you do get is always something that you deserve – whether it is good or bad, everything happens for a reason. People say that, “if you love something, you should let it go. If it comes back it was always yours.” Letting go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But I believe that everything in life comes full circle once during its course, all it takes is time.